i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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