so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
