i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
