Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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