I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
