separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just invented taco cereal.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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