I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
