Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
