It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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