It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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