I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
