i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
