Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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