I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
