How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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