1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
