Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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