Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
