It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
