everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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