If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
