my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
