***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
