someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
A bitchslap is in order.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
