I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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