you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
