Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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