In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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