i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
