so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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