She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is the high leading the old right now
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
