Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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