explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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