I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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