Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
