I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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