the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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