Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
