bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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