When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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