I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
