I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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