Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
