LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
