Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
