I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
