thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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