someone threw a dead crab at me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
