im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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