Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
