i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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