I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
